Let's recap because it's been quite some times since I have posted:
- I graduated.
- I moved from Cullowhee to Chapel Hill.
- I started grad school at UNC Chapel Hill.
- I completed 2 summer semesters for my Master's.
- I spent the entire summer by myself other than for class, because I don't know anyone here and Dustin was finishing classes at WCU.
- Dustin is finally here for good, after 3 months of being here by myself.
Lately I have been in a funk. I have not for the life of me been able to figure out what's wrong with me. When my dad died, I dealt with depression and anxiety and felt that I had successfully overcome those obstacles, but lately they seem to be coming back. This summer I spent a lot of time on the phone with Dustin, crying and telling him I didn't want to live here anymore and I wanted to go home.
No one prepares you for the transition to life after college. In middle school, I felt like we were prepped and supported beyond belief for the transition to high school. Then we spent months and months preparing for the transition to college, and colleges spend your entire freshman year helping you adjust. Then before long you are dying to graduate, imagining how great life will be with a "big girl job" and in "big girl world". All you can think about is how much better it will be. But what really happens when you graduate? No one tells you what to expect. They just send you off into the world, wearing your cap and gripping your diploma, and expect you to figure it out on your own.
When I was younger, I pictured my twenties to be something out of Sex and the City. Great, solid girlfriends who I could depend on and share everything with, a glamorous job that I loved, money to buy fabulous clothes and a sweet apartment. I'd have a long-term boyfriend, possibly be planning a wedding, know where my life was going, and everything would make sense. Now that I'm actually in my twenties, let's see what it's really like. How about pretty much none of that. I think the only thing I have is the boyfriend (and I'm not complaining about that.. he truly is amazing). Grad school is not glamorous. At all. I tell people that it's less fun than it sounds, and it doesn't sound fun, so it's REALLY not fun. My job is.. nonexistent. I do not have money for fabulous clothes. I have a sweet apartment that I can only afford because I got a deal on it, and I will probably have to move next year simply because I can't afford this place. My best friend has been by my side for 10 years, but she is 800 miles away, and it's tough to not have that support here. I have been trying to make friends, but it takes time, and that is frustrating because I need support NOW. I need people to hang out with and vent to and laugh with NOW. Not in six months or a year.
Lately I've been doing some Googling to try to see if everyone else is as lost as I am. Feeling like "oh what the hell have I gotten myself into? I should have stuck to the five year plan.. maybe six."Turns out, I'm not alone. There are actually a lot of books and websites dedicated to the "quarter life crisis". After all that anticipation of how great it would be to graduate, it's such a let down to be hit smack in the face with the real world. At least I'm not crazy.
I guess this sounds like so much whining and maybe some of you older readers are thinking that I should just suck it up and deal. And I will. But the point is, I had no way to prepare. I couldn't try to figure it out ahead of time and at least mentally prepare myself for what was to come. I don't have friends here which means I have approximately 0% of the support that I need in this new town. And I can't seem to shake the depression and anxiety that have overtaken my brain. I know it will come with time, but it feels like an eternity. Everyone keeps telling me that after I've been here a year or two, I will have friends and feel better. But a year or two is a long time to feel alone.
I don't like ending posts on a sad note, but the ending to this saga is still to be seen. Perhaps I'll start posting more regularly, to document the progress I'm making. For now, I'm just holding onto the hope that things will get better, because they always do. They always do.
xoxo-
mts
